Friday, September 30, 2005
My body clock is upside down now. But oh well, studying was rather draining but fun yesterday.
PHOTO FRENZY.
So I met Maylene for dinner yesterday! I so missed dressing up.
And we had yummy Pepper Lunch. DAMN good, as always.
After that, Maylene came over to study for the night.
But the two pigs ended up sleeping...
WHILE I STUDIED, I really did!
When Maylene finally woke up...
We ate sausages!
Okay, my turn to sleep.
But instead of studying...
Look what that pig ended up doing.
Okay, but we both did study. And yes, those pictures are fake. Maylene insisted on them :P
Uploading photos with the Blogger tool is even more tedious than Photobucket, seriously. But it's okay cause I have lots of time, in case you haven't realised.
And why? BECAUSE MAYLENE IS STILL SLEEPING.
Left with Oligopoly to go for Econs. I'm way way way behind time. Hopefully I can finish my Chemistry by say, Tuesday so I can really start on my Math and aim for something better than F.
One week from now, I'll be in the exam hall, trying to solve Trigo questions. And after that... !!!!!!!! :)
Okay, so life is good. Besides the studying part, I guess most of my friends are generally blissfully happy :) And it's very heartwarming seeing them smile like that, really.
And from all the girly talks (read: gossips) I've been having with Maylene recently, I find out a little more abt her each day, and I love her a little bit more each day too. (random)
Off to do my one last final chapter of Econs.
And I know, that you're the one who made the stars shine again
8:58 AM
i have made more friends
but i think ive lost best friends
-Nette
You know, I felt like crying when I read this. I don't know what to say. I think I can't deny that sometimes I wish you would listen more and be a little more interested in my life. But I know you're not neglecting me on purpose, and when you say you'd be there, I know you mean it and I think that's enough. At least when I feel down in the pits and I feel that I have nobody to turn to, I can always go to you and know that you'd listen. And your random messages (like "oh I just saw - in the lecture hall blah, hahaha) always warm my heart, without fail.
About not talking everyday, I'd like to think it's the Promos. We've gone through more than enough to know that this friendship is hard as rock, so what is two or three days without talk to us? This is the 7th year of our friendship, so don't ever have doubts about it.
And no, you've not lost me, and I don't think you've lost Nana either. And honestly, I'm happy to see you mixing around with fun people who can make you laugh, just like I know you're happy that I've found my place in SA and I'm with people I feel safe with.
This friendship is forever Nette, trust me :)
________________________________
After a talk I had with Maylene earlier on, I'm more confident and I know I won't retain because I really did make a rather consistent effort throughout the last few months.
And after promos after promos AFTER PROMOS we're gonna go so crazy. We're gonna fly kites and run hand-in-hand on the open fields, just like an old movie playing slowly.
*What I really meant to say was... yes.
9:51 AM
For my dad and my mom, for my precious friends, for netball, and most importantly, for myself, I have to do it. And I will.
So there.
11:16 PM
6:56 PM
Tmr's my GP paper and I don't even feel the least bit prepared. But whatever, I'll just go do some reading tonight, and put in my best tmr. I WILL PROMOTE I WILL I WILL I WILL.
My days have been like emotional roller coaster rides. Thank you Maylene for keeping me sane.
Well, we'll see. Now I just want to study and not disappoint anybody.
If I asked you to fight these insecurities for me, would you promise me to never leave?
7:09 PM
Today was the most productive day I've had in weeks. I completed 4 chapters of Econs, and I'm going on to make sure I complete Production and Costs by tonight. So that'll leave me with Market Structures, which I'm more or less rather familiar with. So cheers, I'm finally waking up.
Tuition was good too. I'm clearer with my Hydroxy now.
MATH = DIE DIE DIE!
Oh and you know, I have to complete my EOM final draft later la DAMMIT.
Anyway, took an early train to the airport to have breakfast with The Birthday Girl in the morning :)
And that left me really exhausted. My eyes are still heavy, despite a nap I took not long ago.
I'm going out of the house soon, to meet the darlings for Venezia ice-cream. I can't wait. It's been so long since we've had a 4-of-us-girly-girls bitching session :)
*VENEZIA WAS GREAT :) New record - 87 shots in 15 mins!!!
8:18 PM
:) I really hope you enjoyed every single second. I'm sorry we couldn't do anything better than that because of the big fat promos. But anyhow, I was happy to see you smiling like that.
It was like a reunion - just the six of us once again. Germ, Giel, Maylene, Tric, Yingzhen, how long has it been? I love you guys so much.
I'm having a very sudden urge to cry and I don't know why. It's just.. I never want to let go of this feeling. I never want to let go of anything I have now.
It's raining and pouring and some sad Jay Chou song is playing and I miss you.
1:07 AM
Weekends = STUDY. Yes.
Maylene got a new green Ipod!!! Lucky shit la, that one. Haha. But I'm happy for her, now I can kop from her!
I'm happy today, as I was yesterday, and hopefully I'll be tmr :)
But for now, I'll just take a tiny nap and then get down to some serious studying.
10:21 PM
I've got a huge bump on my head and it's actually quite funny.
Chemistry SPA was fine, all thanks to Andre. THANK YOU for being the most patient person ever, really :)
Maybe. But most of the time I still feel so insecure and I hate it.
Sometimes it still gets a little hard but I know I'm almost over you.
9:11 PM
Life's been fast-moving and very happening/exciting. It's like 8 whole months of peace was just to prepare all of us for this. Suddenly everything gets thrown into our faces. And I don't know if it's good or bad. Anyhow, I'm happy for my darlings :)
Well, school was okay and studying was more productive than before.
Germ, "smile because shits don't cry"! Love <3
SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES. Okay, purple grapes.
More than just friends?
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
12:14 AM
This time, thonning was really unproductive. I need to learn some sense of urgency.
ALOT of things happened. Nana, I hope you feel better soon and jerks are really the worst piece of shits ever.
And oh my goodness, squeals and screams, I have the best friends ever! While I was dying, doing my Hydroxy notes.. suddenly, I saw a bottle of Minute Maid Lemondade drink in my face. I turned around AND THEN I SAW GIEL AND SHEMIN. I was genuinely shocked and happy!!!
Then people started filing in - Andre, Jt, Gabriel, James (their friend). And I wasn't lonely for the night anymore. Hahahaha.
Mayleneeeeeeeee, :) And Germ I MISSED YOU. Oh and Tric, your msg totally warmed my heart canz. Lubs and mees!
Actually, I'm really not as happy as I sound. Things were pretty bad throughout the night, and it wasn't all that easy to deal with.
But whatever. I just hate feeling so out of control.
Ykniflaff, awisty, yslsbamf. Iiaff, todusgmoaoa. Imhbdas, tswisty. And sadly, things just don't work that way.
I still want my gingerbread man.
"The hardest thing to do is to smile and look into his/her eyes lying that you don't love him/her, just to preserve something seemingly more important, and to walk away... pretending it doesn't hurt you."
Ouch.
I feel like I have a few layers of oil coated on my skin and hair, and I'm just dirty and smelly and everything. Off to bathe.
5:38 PM
But anyhow, mooncake festival in school was fun. Haha. Sparklers are really pretty, they make me happy :)
Tired. And confused.
'Cause all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
12:00 AM
I think I once wished I could be your "Christmas angel" forever. But now I'm not sure anymore. You can't hurt me, not now, not anymore, not ever again.
PW SUCKS. And I feel for Giel. F-ing shitheads.
Exhausted and stretched, almost to the maximum. I don't want to go on anymore. I feel like just falling apart and stop doing everything but I know I can't. Because I've come so far, I just need to hold on for a little while more. And I'm not the only one who feels like that anyway.
Emo days for everyone. I was talking to Maylene and Giel today, about.. love. "The worst way to miss someone is to have him/her sitting right next to you, knowing that he/she will never be yours". Ever experienced the feeling of getting your heart ripped right out of your chest and torn to pieces right in front of you? I don't think I have yet, and I don't want to either. It's so sad when two people who actually love each other just cannot be tgt. Out of millions and billions of pple in the world, these two people actually meet and fall in love with each other.. but the ending is still sad.
Jan talked to me that day. And she said we're both too idealistic in love. Our expectations are high, and when things don't meet up to that, we get upset. And we're basically still in our fairytale world, believing in true and undying love. Well, at least now I know. Love is bullshit, now I know.
Forever is just a word we abuse again and again and again. But I know that if you promised me forever, I would still believe you. Now, that's stupidity.
Whether or not we would be able to love again depends soley on us. There's no such thing as never. We're too young, doubt any of us actually know love.
At least I'm beginning to feel. The same "butterflies in stomach", same excitement and joy, the very same kind of heart ache. So maybe I'm on my way.
And after typing all that, I just feel like bawling my eyes out.
I think I'm crazy. There's too much to do tonight.
9:39 PM
Today was great :)
I finally updates Shemin on hot gossips!!! Hahahaha.
PT was funny. Thank you for pushing me, guys. I wouldn't have made it pass every single torturing run if not for your constant encouragement. And after the run, we went crazy laughing at stupid things :)
But it got a little emo after awhile. Maylene? -HUG HUG- You have no idea how beautiful you are. Come on baby, I miss your stupid smile!!!
The insecurities are getting quite unbearable.
Oh well. STUDY.
9:22 PM
But that's okay. It's going to be over in 3 weeks time and I know we're all gonna go crazy.
I saw the look in your eyes, and right there and then I knew. I've gotten myself into a big fat mess haven't I. So what's new?
9:43 PM
I just woke up from a super long nap :) And my dad just gave me $50! This is a huge contrast to how broke I was last week. HAHA.
Well, anyway first day of school was quite shitty. I just realised I don't know a lot of things about Econs, and it worries me. And I WAS SO TIRED the whole day.
Ooooh, and I went shopping with Maylene after school! (after my dental) Haha yes, shopping. Walked around and tried on clothes and oh, how much I missed shopping. And yeah, I talked a lot to her today. Hmmm.
I have alot to say actually. But I know I can't. It's just wrong.
I kinda miss Shemin. I miss the way she'd make us laugh and laugh and laugh non-stop. She's like the most hilarious piece of shit ever. And kboxing with her is rocking too! Hahahahaha. Somehow it feels good to talk to her sometimes. Eh, get well soon and go to school okay? Then we can stay in the caf tgt (I got new update) and talk non-stop.
Alright.
8:58 PM
11:19 PM
I finally slept!!! Today was plain, simple, relaxing and hmmm, good.
Going out for dinner with my family later :)
Annie came over last night. Just to hang out for awhile. And it was great, because I think we somehow needed each other. To keep each other sane, maybe. But anyhow, I love my bestie.
I hate remembering that I was never good enough for you. And I hate knowing that I will never be good enough for anyone good.
But oh well, damn love. OOR, OOQ, so KOD.
School's starting tmr. Eeks.
5:56 PM
Giel and I calculated, we spent 21 1/2 hours straight with each other. And 21 hours were spent awake!
Not really in the bouncy mood. Kinda knocked out.
I know you know. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid.
Off to take a short little nap.
4:50 PM
Well, so I survived yesterday, which wasn't so bad after all. Not the GP, PW or tuition part at least.
And today, I'm going out for lunch with Annie (oh gosh I missed her) and probably come home to rest, and then head to Changi at night to thon with random people.
I don't have much time left. I can't give up now. Promos are just round the corner, and we all have to make it, even if it means studying till we die. We can't leave anyone behind.
So I'm going to start with doing some Math. Honestly, integration is a hell lot better than functions and trigo. And, organic chemistry is alot better than thermochem. And, everything about Econs is better than Math and Chemistry. SO YOU SEE, I'm starting to enjoy studying.
I think what Maylene said to me that night really made sense. When she was talking, deep inside I just kept thinking, "I know all these, but nothing was supposed to be so rational and planned." But now, it's starting to come to me. It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind. It's not easy, but I can't afford to screw up my Promos. And after that, I still have my life and my As. It's a never-ending cycle. What is wrong will always be wrong, and we're too old to make that mistake already. My promos are in 3 weeks, and I can't afford to take even one more day to recover. I need to start TODAY, and that's what I'm doing. Thanks Maylene, you're my star, and I love you so much, really.
9:45 AM
Been studying in school for the past few days, just like the June holidays. Moderately productive day. I finally got some Math done, cheers everyone!
OH and thank you Ah Ming Ge for all the good food you brought us these few days! Couldn't have survived without them.
I'm still in my cranky mood, which is bad. Sorry to everyone who had to take my shit - especially Germs and Giel. Love you babes. Hope you're having fun studying at Changi now.
But tonight, I'm better :)
Maymay's coming over later at night (in the morning?).
GP AND PW tmr, help me oh help me please. But yes, after tmr, I'd be free.
Ouch. But anyhow, you made me smile :)
10:49 PM
Today was unproductive (as usual) - one freaking GP compre, and you know I hate GP to the max.
Tuition in the morning (integration is crazy), tuition in 5 minutes time. PHYSICAL training tmr, 4-hour GP lesson on Thursday, followed by a long and tedious PW session. Welcome to my life.
I think I need to go.
6:56 PM
Alright. Come on baby, let's stop obsessing.
I'm exhausted. I know I need to study but there's just so much to do. And PW, that damned thing is driving me crazy.
But on a lighter note, I'm feeling quite good today :) Hmmmm...
10:47 PM
I'm eating and eating non-stop. Someone help me, please. This is what holidays and stress do to me, all the binging. And I hate feeling fat, it makes me so sad.
Today was more productive than the last few days. Lol. Econs nearly drove me crazy. But I really like Harbour food court.
Tmr's gonna be another studying day, in school.
Things have been going on for so long, guess it's time to make clear some stuff up. You made the choice yourself, so don't ever come back regretting. I wish I could ask you what went wrong, ask you if you'd come back, but it's too late. Everything's too late already. I don't know you anymore, and I don't think I want to. It's so sad that we have to communicate like this, but oh well, what to do. Let's just leave things as it is, touching it might only cause more damage. You were one of the best things that happened to me in SAJC, but as Giel said, we're just holding on to the memories of what didn't last. So there.
11:04 PM
And she said, "Yeah, but she's the kind who'll break his chopsticks for him when they go eat at the hawker centre. Maybe that's why they broke up so fast."
HAHAHAHAHA. But that's erm, quite sweet what :P
I miss being able to call her anytime I want to. All the love from here to Australia! Love you <3
1:29 AM
Just had Geylang beef hor fun, curry, apple & aloe vera juice and snow skin durian moon cake! Now I'm muching on yummy Toblerone. Now now, Maylene, DO I EAT?
As I said I would, I hibernated! Literally. Today was spent sleeping in, and I loved every moment of it :) Today is the first time in ages I don't get too see the darlings for one full day. And it sure does feel weird. Haha.
I'm still not feeling very good. I wonder which is better, to love or to be loved? And then I wonder again - why are we always asking ourselves that? WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?
I think I'm addicted to Liang Jing Ru's jie shou. It's such a nice song and I never realised it! Kbox again soon :)
And Jan, please take care of yourself canzzz! Promos coming, must get well soon so you can study. Rest more, EAT, and don't go out till you're okay! I'll cook porridge for you! Haha. <3
7:16 PM
Oh well. PROMOS ARE COMING, SOMEONE KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO ME.
I'm having a pimple outbreak. My pimple is officially pimple of the day, for once :P
We went Kbox-ing AGAIN! Shemin, Maymay and I. I think we're addicted. It was so so so fantastic and crazy. Basically we were all feeling like shit so we just totally let ourselves go. Hello, we like, can sing wayang! Hahahahahaha. More of it soon please!!!
And throughout the whole thing, there was just this sick, lingering emptiness. I tried to push it away, but it just got worse. I can I can I can I can I can I can move on. Someday, I'll feel all the love in the world again, someday I'll be able to look into your eyes and not feel a single thing.
But it's been so long........ wonder when I'll see you again. I'm always so f-ing weak when it comes to you DAMMIT.
For now, I'll be okay. Feel like hibernating.
10:30 PM
I thought for a little while and said, "I'm not happy happy, but I'm contented."
Which is true. Life's tough but I'll get by, as long as I have them with me.
Yes, I'd be happier if my family could be tgt, if I were thin, if my studies were good, if I could play better netball, if I had someone by my side, if this if that, but at the end of the day, I know I'm already much luckier than a lot of people. And really, I wake up looking fwd to the day (except when there's tuition and PW, like today), and go to bed with a smile on my face, most of the time.
Like tmr, I'm going to go to school, have lessons, play ball with the netballers and basketballers, play tennis with the darlings, run with Maymay (SIANZ), study, and then probably have dinner and come home. It's simple, but at least I know I'm in safe hands. Unlike you, are you truly happy with your life now?
It's the last day of your school. LAST CHANCE - TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. Hahahahahahaha :P
From the first kisses to the very last rose.
10:25 PM
HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY :D
Today was rocking!!! Haven't had so much fun in a long time.
Crazy people doing crazy things.
(self-explanatory)
KBOX-ING!
One day we're gonna get so high.
Letting loose.
Us happy in Candy Empire :)
Ah, now that's bliss.
And so we went, round and round, laughing like when we were 3.
Yes, that pretty much summarizes my perfect day :) Ended off with meeting Giel and Germs (who went back to secondary schools) for dinner, and them coming over.
Tmr is gonna be a long (shitty) day.
2:15 AM
My body clock is upside down now. But oh well, studying was rather draining but fun yesterday.
So I met Maylene for dinner yesterday! I so missed dressing up.
And we had yummy Pepper Lunch. DAMN good, as always.
After that, Maylene came over to study for the night.
But the two pigs ended up sleeping...
WHILE I STUDIED, I really did!
When Maylene finally woke up...
We ate sausages!
Okay, my turn to sleep.
But instead of studying...
Look what that pig ended up doing.
Okay, but we both did study. And yes, those pictures are fake. Maylene insisted on them :P
Uploading photos with the Blogger tool is even more tedious than Photobucket, seriously. But it's okay cause I have lots of time, in case you haven't realised.
And why? BECAUSE MAYLENE IS STILL SLEEPING.
Left with Oligopoly to go for Econs. I'm way way way behind time. Hopefully I can finish my Chemistry by say, Tuesday so I can really start on my Math and aim for something better than F.
One week from now, I'll be in the exam hall, trying to solve Trigo questions. And after that... !!!!!!!! :)
Okay, so life is good. Besides the studying part, I guess most of my friends are generally blissfully happy :) And it's very heartwarming seeing them smile like that, really.
And from all the girly talks (read: gossips) I've been having with Maylene recently, I find out a little more abt her each day, and I love her a little bit more each day too. (random)
Off to do my one last final chapter of Econs.
And I know, that you're the one who made the stars shine again
8:58 AM
Thursday, September 29, 2005
i have made more friends
but i think ive lost best friends
-Nette
You know, I felt like crying when I read this. I don't know what to say. I think I can't deny that sometimes I wish you would listen more and be a little more interested in my life. But I know you're not neglecting me on purpose, and when you say you'd be there, I know you mean it and I think that's enough. At least when I feel down in the pits and I feel that I have nobody to turn to, I can always go to you and know that you'd listen. And your random messages (like "oh I just saw - in the lecture hall blah, hahaha) always warm my heart, without fail.
About not talking everyday, I'd like to think it's the Promos. We've gone through more than enough to know that this friendship is hard as rock, so what is two or three days without talk to us? This is the 7th year of our friendship, so don't ever have doubts about it.
And no, you've not lost me, and I don't think you've lost Nana either. And honestly, I'm happy to see you mixing around with fun people who can make you laugh, just like I know you're happy that I've found my place in SA and I'm with people I feel safe with.
This friendship is forever Nette, trust me :)
________________________________
After a talk I had with Maylene earlier on, I'm more confident and I know I won't retain because I really did make a rather consistent effort throughout the last few months.
And after promos after promos AFTER PROMOS we're gonna go so crazy. We're gonna fly kites and run hand-in-hand on the open fields, just like an old movie playing slowly.
*What I really meant to say was... yes.
9:51 AM
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
For my dad and my mom, for my precious friends, for netball, and most importantly, for myself, I have to do it. And I will.
So there.
11:16 PM
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
6:56 PM
Monday, September 26, 2005
Tmr's my GP paper and I don't even feel the least bit prepared. But whatever, I'll just go do some reading tonight, and put in my best tmr. I WILL PROMOTE I WILL I WILL I WILL.
My days have been like emotional roller coaster rides. Thank you Maylene for keeping me sane.
Well, we'll see. Now I just want to study and not disappoint anybody.
If I asked you to fight these insecurities for me, would you promise me to never leave?
7:09 PM
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Today was the most productive day I've had in weeks. I completed 4 chapters of Econs, and I'm going on to make sure I complete Production and Costs by tonight. So that'll leave me with Market Structures, which I'm more or less rather familiar with. So cheers, I'm finally waking up.
Tuition was good too. I'm clearer with my Hydroxy now.
MATH = DIE DIE DIE!
Oh and you know, I have to complete my EOM final draft later la DAMMIT.
Anyway, took an early train to the airport to have breakfast with The Birthday Girl in the morning :)
And that left me really exhausted. My eyes are still heavy, despite a nap I took not long ago.
I'm going out of the house soon, to meet the darlings for Venezia ice-cream. I can't wait. It's been so long since we've had a 4-of-us-girly-girls bitching session :)
*VENEZIA WAS GREAT :) New record - 87 shots in 15 mins!!!
8:18 PM
:) I really hope you enjoyed every single second. I'm sorry we couldn't do anything better than that because of the big fat promos. But anyhow, I was happy to see you smiling like that.
It was like a reunion - just the six of us once again. Germ, Giel, Maylene, Tric, Yingzhen, how long has it been? I love you guys so much.
I'm having a very sudden urge to cry and I don't know why. It's just.. I never want to let go of this feeling. I never want to let go of anything I have now.
It's raining and pouring and some sad Jay Chou song is playing and I miss you.
1:07 AM
Friday, September 23, 2005
Weekends = STUDY. Yes.
Maylene got a new green Ipod!!! Lucky shit la, that one. Haha. But I'm happy for her, now I can kop from her!
I'm happy today, as I was yesterday, and hopefully I'll be tmr :)
But for now, I'll just take a tiny nap and then get down to some serious studying.
10:21 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I've got a huge bump on my head and it's actually quite funny.
Chemistry SPA was fine, all thanks to Andre. THANK YOU for being the most patient person ever, really :)
Maybe. But most of the time I still feel so insecure and I hate it.
Sometimes it still gets a little hard but I know I'm almost over you.
9:11 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Life's been fast-moving and very happening/exciting. It's like 8 whole months of peace was just to prepare all of us for this. Suddenly everything gets thrown into our faces. And I don't know if it's good or bad. Anyhow, I'm happy for my darlings :)
Well, school was okay and studying was more productive than before.
Germ, "smile because shits don't cry"! Love <3
SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES SOUR GRAPES. Okay, purple grapes.
More than just friends?
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
12:14 AM
Sunday, September 18, 2005
This time, thonning was really unproductive. I need to learn some sense of urgency.
ALOT of things happened. Nana, I hope you feel better soon and jerks are really the worst piece of shits ever.
And oh my goodness, squeals and screams, I have the best friends ever! While I was dying, doing my Hydroxy notes.. suddenly, I saw a bottle of Minute Maid Lemondade drink in my face. I turned around AND THEN I SAW GIEL AND SHEMIN. I was genuinely shocked and happy!!!
Then people started filing in - Andre, Jt, Gabriel, James (their friend). And I wasn't lonely for the night anymore. Hahahaha.
Mayleneeeeeeeee, :) And Germ I MISSED YOU. Oh and Tric, your msg totally warmed my heart canz. Lubs and mees!
Actually, I'm really not as happy as I sound. Things were pretty bad throughout the night, and it wasn't all that easy to deal with.
But whatever. I just hate feeling so out of control.
Ykniflaff, awisty, yslsbamf. Iiaff, todusgmoaoa. Imhbdas, tswisty. And sadly, things just don't work that way.
I still want my gingerbread man.
"The hardest thing to do is to smile and look into his/her eyes lying that you don't love him/her, just to preserve something seemingly more important, and to walk away... pretending it doesn't hurt you."
Ouch.
I feel like I have a few layers of oil coated on my skin and hair, and I'm just dirty and smelly and everything. Off to bathe.
5:38 PM
Saturday, September 17, 2005
But anyhow, mooncake festival in school was fun. Haha. Sparklers are really pretty, they make me happy :)
Tired. And confused.
'Cause all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
12:00 AM
Thursday, September 15, 2005
I think I once wished I could be your "Christmas angel" forever. But now I'm not sure anymore. You can't hurt me, not now, not anymore, not ever again.
PW SUCKS. And I feel for Giel. F-ing shitheads.
Exhausted and stretched, almost to the maximum. I don't want to go on anymore. I feel like just falling apart and stop doing everything but I know I can't. Because I've come so far, I just need to hold on for a little while more. And I'm not the only one who feels like that anyway.
Emo days for everyone. I was talking to Maylene and Giel today, about.. love. "The worst way to miss someone is to have him/her sitting right next to you, knowing that he/she will never be yours". Ever experienced the feeling of getting your heart ripped right out of your chest and torn to pieces right in front of you? I don't think I have yet, and I don't want to either. It's so sad when two people who actually love each other just cannot be tgt. Out of millions and billions of pple in the world, these two people actually meet and fall in love with each other.. but the ending is still sad.
Jan talked to me that day. And she said we're both too idealistic in love. Our expectations are high, and when things don't meet up to that, we get upset. And we're basically still in our fairytale world, believing in true and undying love. Well, at least now I know. Love is bullshit, now I know.
Forever is just a word we abuse again and again and again. But I know that if you promised me forever, I would still believe you. Now, that's stupidity.
Whether or not we would be able to love again depends soley on us. There's no such thing as never. We're too young, doubt any of us actually know love.
At least I'm beginning to feel. The same "butterflies in stomach", same excitement and joy, the very same kind of heart ache. So maybe I'm on my way.
And after typing all that, I just feel like bawling my eyes out.
I think I'm crazy. There's too much to do tonight.
9:39 PM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Today was great :)
I finally updates Shemin on hot gossips!!! Hahahaha.
PT was funny. Thank you for pushing me, guys. I wouldn't have made it pass every single torturing run if not for your constant encouragement. And after the run, we went crazy laughing at stupid things :)
But it got a little emo after awhile. Maylene? -HUG HUG- You have no idea how beautiful you are. Come on baby, I miss your stupid smile!!!
The insecurities are getting quite unbearable.
Oh well. STUDY.
9:22 PM
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
But that's okay. It's going to be over in 3 weeks time and I know we're all gonna go crazy.
I saw the look in your eyes, and right there and then I knew. I've gotten myself into a big fat mess haven't I. So what's new?
9:43 PM
Monday, September 12, 2005
I just woke up from a super long nap :) And my dad just gave me $50! This is a huge contrast to how broke I was last week. HAHA.
Well, anyway first day of school was quite shitty. I just realised I don't know a lot of things about Econs, and it worries me. And I WAS SO TIRED the whole day.
Ooooh, and I went shopping with Maylene after school! (after my dental) Haha yes, shopping. Walked around and tried on clothes and oh, how much I missed shopping. And yeah, I talked a lot to her today. Hmmm.
I have alot to say actually. But I know I can't. It's just wrong.
I kinda miss Shemin. I miss the way she'd make us laugh and laugh and laugh non-stop. She's like the most hilarious piece of shit ever. And kboxing with her is rocking too! Hahahahaha. Somehow it feels good to talk to her sometimes. Eh, get well soon and go to school okay? Then we can stay in the caf tgt (I got new update) and talk non-stop.
Alright.
8:58 PM
Sunday, September 11, 2005
11:19 PM
I finally slept!!! Today was plain, simple, relaxing and hmmm, good.
Going out for dinner with my family later :)
Annie came over last night. Just to hang out for awhile. And it was great, because I think we somehow needed each other. To keep each other sane, maybe. But anyhow, I love my bestie.
I hate remembering that I was never good enough for you. And I hate knowing that I will never be good enough for anyone good.
But oh well, damn love. OOR, OOQ, so KOD.
School's starting tmr. Eeks.
5:56 PM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Giel and I calculated, we spent 21 1/2 hours straight with each other. And 21 hours were spent awake!
Not really in the bouncy mood. Kinda knocked out.
I know you know. Sometimes, things are better left unsaid.
Off to take a short little nap.
4:50 PM
Friday, September 09, 2005
Well, so I survived yesterday, which wasn't so bad after all. Not the GP, PW or tuition part at least.
And today, I'm going out for lunch with Annie (oh gosh I missed her) and probably come home to rest, and then head to Changi at night to thon with random people.
I don't have much time left. I can't give up now. Promos are just round the corner, and we all have to make it, even if it means studying till we die. We can't leave anyone behind.
So I'm going to start with doing some Math. Honestly, integration is a hell lot better than functions and trigo. And, organic chemistry is alot better than thermochem. And, everything about Econs is better than Math and Chemistry. SO YOU SEE, I'm starting to enjoy studying.
I think what Maylene said to me that night really made sense. When she was talking, deep inside I just kept thinking, "I know all these, but nothing was supposed to be so rational and planned." But now, it's starting to come to me. It's all in the mind, it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind. It's not easy, but I can't afford to screw up my Promos. And after that, I still have my life and my As. It's a never-ending cycle. What is wrong will always be wrong, and we're too old to make that mistake already. My promos are in 3 weeks, and I can't afford to take even one more day to recover. I need to start TODAY, and that's what I'm doing. Thanks Maylene, you're my star, and I love you so much, really.
9:45 AM
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Been studying in school for the past few days, just like the June holidays. Moderately productive day. I finally got some Math done, cheers everyone!
OH and thank you Ah Ming Ge for all the good food you brought us these few days! Couldn't have survived without them.
I'm still in my cranky mood, which is bad. Sorry to everyone who had to take my shit - especially Germs and Giel. Love you babes. Hope you're having fun studying at Changi now.
But tonight, I'm better :)
Maymay's coming over later at night (in the morning?).
GP AND PW tmr, help me oh help me please. But yes, after tmr, I'd be free.
Ouch. But anyhow, you made me smile :)
10:49 PM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Today was unproductive (as usual) - one freaking GP compre, and you know I hate GP to the max.
Tuition in the morning (integration is crazy), tuition in 5 minutes time. PHYSICAL training tmr, 4-hour GP lesson on Thursday, followed by a long and tedious PW session. Welcome to my life.
I think I need to go.
6:56 PM
Monday, September 05, 2005
Alright. Come on baby, let's stop obsessing.
I'm exhausted. I know I need to study but there's just so much to do. And PW, that damned thing is driving me crazy.
But on a lighter note, I'm feeling quite good today :) Hmmmm...
10:47 PM
Sunday, September 04, 2005
I'm eating and eating non-stop. Someone help me, please. This is what holidays and stress do to me, all the binging. And I hate feeling fat, it makes me so sad.
Today was more productive than the last few days. Lol. Econs nearly drove me crazy. But I really like Harbour food court.
Tmr's gonna be another studying day, in school.
Things have been going on for so long, guess it's time to make clear some stuff up. You made the choice yourself, so don't ever come back regretting. I wish I could ask you what went wrong, ask you if you'd come back, but it's too late. Everything's too late already. I don't know you anymore, and I don't think I want to. It's so sad that we have to communicate like this, but oh well, what to do. Let's just leave things as it is, touching it might only cause more damage. You were one of the best things that happened to me in SAJC, but as Giel said, we're just holding on to the memories of what didn't last. So there.
11:04 PM
And she said, "Yeah, but she's the kind who'll break his chopsticks for him when they go eat at the hawker centre. Maybe that's why they broke up so fast."
HAHAHAHAHA. But that's erm, quite sweet what :P
I miss being able to call her anytime I want to. All the love from here to Australia! Love you <3
1:29 AM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Just had Geylang beef hor fun, curry, apple & aloe vera juice and snow skin durian moon cake! Now I'm muching on yummy Toblerone. Now now, Maylene, DO I EAT?
As I said I would, I hibernated! Literally. Today was spent sleeping in, and I loved every moment of it :) Today is the first time in ages I don't get too see the darlings for one full day. And it sure does feel weird. Haha.
I'm still not feeling very good. I wonder which is better, to love or to be loved? And then I wonder again - why are we always asking ourselves that? WHY CAN'T IT BE BOTH?
I think I'm addicted to Liang Jing Ru's jie shou. It's such a nice song and I never realised it! Kbox again soon :)
And Jan, please take care of yourself canzzz! Promos coming, must get well soon so you can study. Rest more, EAT, and don't go out till you're okay! I'll cook porridge for you! Haha. <3
7:16 PM
Friday, September 02, 2005
Oh well. PROMOS ARE COMING, SOMEONE KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO ME.
I'm having a pimple outbreak. My pimple is officially pimple of the day, for once :P
We went Kbox-ing AGAIN! Shemin, Maymay and I. I think we're addicted. It was so so so fantastic and crazy. Basically we were all feeling like shit so we just totally let ourselves go. Hello, we like, can sing wayang! Hahahahahaha. More of it soon please!!!
And throughout the whole thing, there was just this sick, lingering emptiness. I tried to push it away, but it just got worse. I can I can I can I can I can I can move on. Someday, I'll feel all the love in the world again, someday I'll be able to look into your eyes and not feel a single thing.
But it's been so long........ wonder when I'll see you again. I'm always so f-ing weak when it comes to you DAMMIT.
For now, I'll be okay. Feel like hibernating.
10:30 PM
Thursday, September 01, 2005
I thought for a little while and said, "I'm not happy happy, but I'm contented."
Which is true. Life's tough but I'll get by, as long as I have them with me.
Yes, I'd be happier if my family could be tgt, if I were thin, if my studies were good, if I could play better netball, if I had someone by my side, if this if that, but at the end of the day, I know I'm already much luckier than a lot of people. And really, I wake up looking fwd to the day (except when there's tuition and PW, like today), and go to bed with a smile on my face, most of the time.
Like tmr, I'm going to go to school, have lessons, play ball with the netballers and basketballers, play tennis with the darlings, run with Maymay (SIANZ), study, and then probably have dinner and come home. It's simple, but at least I know I'm in safe hands. Unlike you, are you truly happy with your life now?
It's the last day of your school. LAST CHANCE - TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. Hahahahahahaha :P
From the first kisses to the very last rose.
10:25 PM
HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY :D
Today was rocking!!! Haven't had so much fun in a long time.
(self-explanatory)
KBOX-ING!
One day we're gonna get so high.
Letting loose.
Us happy in Candy Empire :)
Ah, now that's bliss.
And so we went, round and round, laughing like when we were 3.
Yes, that pretty much summarizes my perfect day :) Ended off with meeting Giel and Germs (who went back to secondary schools) for dinner, and them coming over.
Tmr is gonna be a long (shitty) day.
2:15 AM